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Chala Morari Horror Phillum Bananey: How to make a Hindi Horror Film Even If Your Name Isn’t Ramsey

This article first appeared in The Mahazine, a multimedia magazine on CD-Rom published in India some years ago. It was apparently the first of its kind.

Hey, Ashish, if you’re reading this…Fang U Very Much!

MAHA HORROR SHOW
PRESENTED BY THE
RUMSAY SISTERS HORROR FILM INSTITUTE
Jeena yahan, marna yahan!

MAHA HORROR SHOW
The overnight course in horror film making…
for people who only want to live one night!

MAHA GUARANTEE
Maha Horror Show is Guaranteed to turn you into an expert horror film maker in one night. By the end of this night, if you are not fully satisfied, we will return all your internal organs without deducting even one drop of blood.

CHALA MORARI HINDI HORROR FILM BANANEY…
So you want to make a horror film? Theek hai. It’s your funeral! If you have what it takes to scare the kaka out of people, we’ll show you how to take your brilliant idea from concept to execution…without executing yourself! Ready? Steady your nerves. Go!

MAHA SCRIPT DEPARTMENT
The first thing you need to make a successful horror film is a good script.
You’ll find everything you need in our Stupid Script Department. The scripts are stupid, you’re the one who’s stupid for going in there.

Khair…while you’re poking around in there–and getting poked–remember what we advise all our writers: “Just open a vein and write…what else is blood for?”

THE RUMSAY SISTERS MAHA SCRIPT METHOD
(Registered with all International and Indian script writers associations as well as the Transylvania Association of Vampires Masquerading As Scriptwriters)

After centuries of research and development–over 28,480 scriptwriters tortured at last count–we’ve found that there are only two proven ways to write a great horror film script:

1. Write What You Know
Sometimes we feel that our own lives are too boring to write about. But who are we to judge? Remember Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde? Dracula? Frankenstein? If they hadn’t sat down and written their life stories we would have been deprived of three of the greatest horror stories in history. Today, they’re three of the most wanted scriptwriters in the world–and they’re all dead!

Whether you’re a zombie or a vampire, a chudail or a chimpanzee, a nagin or a no-brain, you have a story inside you that’s waiting to come out. Cut open your chest, and let it free. Remember Hanuman? He opened his chest and showed Lord Rama his script for a rousing mythological epic. Put your heart and soul into your own script and like Bajranbali, you will also set entire nations on fire with your tail-ent!

And if you’re just an ordinary person, with no visible tail-lent (but make sure you look closely first!) then don’t think you don’t have anything to write about. Write about the horror of being a normal person in this mad, mad, mad, mad world.

If all else fails, then just add an ‘h’ for horror to your name, and become a Writher!

2. Write What Others Know
Who has the time to sit and make up original scripts? And why bother when there are so many great ideas waiting to be stolen! All you need is a TV set, a DVD player and a good secretary to take down all your flashes of inspiration.

These days, with Hollywood releasing horror films dubbed in Hindi (as they’ve done with House on Haunted Hill released as Kaun Banega Crorepati Bhoot Bangala Mein) you don’t have to feel ashamed of copying foreign horror films too. They’ve been taking our ticket money for years, now let’s take their story ideas!

CASTING DEPARTMENT
You don’t need a big starcast to make a good Hindi horror film, yaar. Just check if any five old-time heroes and heroines are sitting around bekaar and hire them. This is called the Nagin Casting Method. Better still, spend your money on one big name star to keep distributors and cast all unknowns in the other roles. This is called the Papi Gudiya Method.

PURAANE WAFADAAR
Here are some old faithfuls you must cast. No good Hindi horror film would be complete without them:

Jogindar
Katy Mirza
Sheeba
Achla Sachdev
Ashok Kumar
Goga Kapoor
Sudhir

Don’t worry if some of them are dead. It’s a horror film. Nobody will notice!

CLASSIC CHARACTERS
There are certain basic characters that will add colour and value to your film:

CANDLE KUDDI: The heroine of a horror film has to be beautiful, wear a white flowing saree and keep her long black hair open and flowing at all times. She must walk through the night singing a mournful song and carrying a candle–that does not get blown out even in the strongest wind–and she must lead the hero to a graveyard. You must never show onscreen the real reason why she goes to the graveyard alone very night and what she does with that candle. Leave it to the audience’s imagination. After all, what else could a sexily clad woman be doing to herself with a candle in a private place where nobody can see her!

KHATIYA KHADI: The raunchy chudal who does a cabaret for a roomful of desperately horny men while the khaufnaak storm rages outside. She’s likely to be heavily over-weight so remember to tell your setting department to make the floor strong enough to withstand her vigorous dancing–and the casting couch strong enough to withstand your auditions of various girls for the role!

PAHADI LATHIWALA: The old rake-thin chowkidar who always knows the past history of the haunted haveli or dak bungala. For this role, you only need to find one of the old-time heroes, dress them in the costume, ply them with lots of booze and put the camera on. They’ll keep talking for hours about their heydays in Bollywood. You can dub whatever dialogue you want later then.

KAMEENA PAISEWALA: The greedy businessman, zamindar or tycoon who has cheated and killed to acquire his fortune. We should hate him so much that by the time the bhoot or monster comes to kill him, we should cheer for the ghost! Ideally, get the financier to play this role himself and shoot it as the last scene of the schedule. Then make sure the bhoot really kills him. That way, you won’t have to worry about returning his money and you’ll get authenticity too!

PYAARI BEHENA: The very sexy, gauti sister of the hero. Always dressed in chaniya choli with elaborate jewellery and payals (barefoot of course), titillating everybody as she pretends to act all innocent and schoolgirlish. By the time she gets raped by the monster or the villains (or better still, both) you should be relieved as well as horrified. Horrified for the poor rapists who have to suffer listening to her screams, relieved for the monster who gets a female monster to match him!

SEXY BHOOTNI: This is a variation on the woman in white stereotype. The sexy bhootni is an evil creature come back from the dead to take revenge on the people who destroyed her family, her lover, or her favourite handbag. She disguises herself as a beautiful, sexy woman to seduce the men. But once their eyes are closed, she turns into her true form. Before and After. For the Before part, you can cast any sexy young starlet. For the After part, you can try using anyone’s mother in law.

ART DEPARTMENT
What’s the difference between a normal Hindi film and a Hindi horror film?
In a normal Hindi film, the emotions move you. In a Hindi horror film, the furniture moves.

Instruct your set designer to put all the furniture on wheels and the entire set on a tilt-axis. When the script runs out of steam, have a gorgeous woman chased by a bhayanak buffoon with a rubber mask. Ask five men on each side to tilt the set this way then that way so it looks like the whole house is shaking.

This technique can also be used with a four-poster bed during the hero and heroine’s suhaag raat.

CAMERA DEPARTMENT
All the weird angles and shots in horror films may make you think that the cameraman is drunk, but that’s not true. Horror film cameraman don’t need to get drunk. They get high on the excitement of doing extreme close ups of the heroine’s bosom.

There’s even a code word for this in horror film. The heroine shouts, “Mujhe bachao,” and that’s the code for the cameraman to start zooming in on her double assets.

If the heroine’s assets are not worth zooming in on, no problem. Cut to a flashback of the bhoot remembering how he once saw his beautiful bosomy sister in bed with a strange man–the start of his trauma. Better still, make the bhoot a peeping tom who keeps stopping en route to his intended victims and looks through keyholes, windows, curtains to see various couples or women in stages of undress.

After he ogles them sufficiently, he can kill them–so you can convince the censors that the scene is necessary to show how immoral behaviour always gets punished in the end.

To learn how to achieve true excellence with this technique, study the following classics of the genre:

Mehbooba
Ranga Khush
Jaani Dushman
All Ramsay Films

BLOOD DEPARTMENT
In case you’re wondering, this is one department found only in horror film units. How do you think you get the tons and tons of gore and blood that you see in horror films? Simple, you buy it from a blood supplier.

Blood suppliers can be found in any Yellow Pages directory. Look for one that is licensed by the Shri Dracula Foundation. This is a non-profit organization that believes that blood is our birthright and must be made available to every citizen of our great nation. Ask for the special bulk discount if you’re buying ten tons or more.

SOUND EFFECTS DEPARTMENT
Remember the sound of the wind blowing in Mahal? Or the sound effect of the door opening in Darwaza? How do you think those unforgettable sound effects were achieved? Not by using wind or doors, obviously! Every horror film sound effect is achieved by using a suitable sound from real life. This is a complete list of the _real_ sounds used to simulate the film sound effects. Remember: This is known only to the veterans of sound recording.

Wind Blowing — Producer farting very very slowly through a wooden flute
Curtains Rustling — Starlets taking off their clothes for the audition
Thunder — Producer farting very loudly and angrily, without the flute
Door Creaking — Director’s brain working as he tries to think after his fourteenth peg and fiftieth retake
Lightning Striking — Heroine’s dress being ripped off by villain in the make-up room
Eeiry whistling — Producer farting through a whistle, very musically
Jhoola swinging noisily — Old bed creaking as heroine humps producer to ensure role in next film

Note: Make sure the catering department has lots of channa handy for the producer to consume so that he can keep producing…gas, what else. Why the producer, you wonder? That’s because all producers are big assholes.

MAKE UP DEPARTMENT
Make up for a horror film is a great art. No ordinary film industry make up can achieve the spectacular effects of films such as Jaani Dushman or Ranga Kush for example. It requires a mastery of the art of illusion that was first perfected by the Hollywood silent horror film superstar Lon Chaney, known as the man of a thousand faces because of his talent to impersonate anybody.

But if you have to hire a make up man from the regular industrywallahs, no problem. Just make sure you keep him well and truly drunk and provide him with lots of bhang leaves to mash and mix into the make up palette. The motto should be: Rang mein bhang!

Once the actors get made up with all that bhangi rang, by the drunk make up man, they’ll make all the weird expressions possible. If that doesn’t work, tell everybody that they’re not getting paid for the movie and see the faces they make!

BLACKCAT COPYCAT DEPARTMENT
If at any time you have any doubt, just refer to any of the following films for inspiration, perspiration or constipation. If you don’t find what you’re looking for in any of these films, then beware, you have an original idea. This is strictly against the regulations of Howrah Horror Film Makers Ass-Ossiation. It is a crime punishable under the Penile Code.

DIRECTION DEPARTMENT
Direction is the most important aspect of making a good horror film. That’s why you need a compass. So that you always know what direction you’re heading: North South East or West. Ideally, good horror films are made in the North, facing South, with your eyes looking East, and your bum pointing West. For further directions consult your school atlas or Shri Dracula’s Book of Fang Shui.

EDITING DEPARTMENT
(This section has been edited out for reasons of length)

Kachh-kachh-kachh.

(So has the rest of the article)

Kachh-kachh-kachh.

THE END DEPARTMENT
So now you’ve made a horror film. Congratulations. And welcome to the club. Which club? That’s right, The Witch Club.

Now all you have to do is release the film, and let it run. And keep running, and running, and running, and running, and….

This entry was posted on Thursday, September 1st, 2005 at 6:58 am. It is filed under Ashok. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.